The concept of beauty is age-old and exists in all societies. It is also a concept that has and continues to cause a ton of heartache to people, young and old, around the world. The origins of various beauty standards are complex, but in my experience it is distressingly common to see women disparage themselves while holding themselves to the so-called beauty ideals of the societies they live in.
This toxic brainwashing begins early, and you couldn’t escape it if you wanted to. Beauty standards in a particular society become apparent to girls at a very young age. Growing up in India this meant – fair skin and a slim and tall body. At one point, light eyes were all the rage. Any non-Indian reading this can perhaps see the sheer absurdity of these “beauty” ideals, so far removed from the reality of the general Indian populace. But so many Indians do not. It is sad that these standards, in the name of beauty, continue to hold people’s imagination in that country even today.
No, your messaging is not OK
I don’t personally care what beauty standards a woman holds on to; that is truly her business as long as she keeps them to herself. I do, however, care when this woman becomes a mother to a daughter and passes on her prejudiced views to the next generation. I do care when this woman disparages herself standing in front of a mirror, expressing dissatisfaction with her body, or the colour of her skin and the shape of her nose, with her young and impressionable daughter nearby. I do care when this woman becomes a popular figure and continues to perpetuate harmful concepts around beauty, making millions in the process. Do you have any idea of the damage you are doing to the future generations?
I care deeply when young girls are bombarded with disturbing messaging regarding beauty or body ideals, whether it be from their own parents, siblings, friends, or the media in general. Children are highly vulnerable and particularly susceptible to social and cultural messaging around them. As long as one’s appearance is related to their self-worth, we are playing a losing game.
No one can tell you whether you are beautiful or not. You need to define that for yourself.
Several years ago I came across a TED Talk (I’ll try my best to find it and link it here), which had the speaker declare that “beauty is a sickness”. For women, they never grow out of being unhappy with their physical bodies or their perceived imperfections/lack of beauty. They imbibe the cultural messaging around beauty norms at a very early age, rather unquestioningly, and spend their lives either living up to those random ideals or feeling dissatisfied with themselves that they couldn’t attain those. This doesn’t change at 30, 40, 50, 60, or beyond. One wonders, at some point a person would wisen up to the bullshitery of things, but it isn’t a given.
Which is why I think women need to create their own narratives around the contentious topic of beauty. Instead of being defined by others, set your own beauty standards (or don’t, and reject the concept entirely).
Ask yourself consciously:
- Is this truly what I consider beautiful?
- Does physical beauty even matter?
- Would I be better off if I stopped worrying about my appearance?
- Why do I care so much if others consider me ‘good-looking’ or not?
- Do I want to be my healthiest and best self, or someone else’s idea of beautiful?
Whatever your truth is, live that truth through words and actions, for your sons and daughters to understand that a person’s worth isn’t tied to their appearance.
It truly doesn’t matter what colour your skin is or what shape your body is. Focus on goodness, tenacity, resourcefulness, and brilliance in oneself and others.
I know I’m probably placing even more burden on mothers to instil better values in their children (as if it is their burden alone). And I’m sorry if that is how I’m coming across. My intention is not to berate anybody, but rather to get them to see how they could be unwittingly furthering toxic standards around self-image.
You cannot expect your daughter to grow up with a healthy self-image if all she has seen and heard her life is you talk negatively about yourself or, even worse, express sorrow over her own appearance or of those who look like her.
Women can and must change this narrative first in their own minds and then in their own homes. And as girls grow up feeling secure and confident, cherished for who they are rather than for what they look like, the media might finally get a hint that making women feel shitty about themselves may not work anymore.
